Winds of War: The Lighter Side of Jihad

First, in the news: Iraq Terror Groups Offer Non-Binding Ceasefire.

(2007-02-17) — A coalition of major terror groups operating in Iraq today announced a symbolic, non-binding ceasefire in response to House Democrats’ passage of a non-binding resolution rejecting President George Bush’s troop surge plan.

Al Qaeda in Iraq, the Shiite Mahdi army and representatives of a Sunni car-bomb cartel said they would continue to fully fund martyrdom operations, with help from their friends in Iran, Syria and elsewhere. An unnamed spokesman for the terror coalition said, “The non-binding ceasefire serves as a kind of imaginary turning point in the mythical pursuit of peace among those who have pledged their lives to the destruction of the U.S., Christianity, Judaism and Western civilization in general.” U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, said the terrorists’ symbolic initiative “confirms that Democrats are on the right track with their strategy to end the war in Iraq through non-binding means.”

Meanwhile, the White House released a conciliatory statement from President George Bush in the wake of the Democrat-sponsored anti-surge resolution. “Our friends in Congress continue to display the rich diversity of patriotism,” the president said. “Their actions demonstrate to all Americans that you, in fact, can support the troops while opposing the war, as long as you’re not too specific about whose troops you support.”

Mr. Bush also said the House vote “shows that it’s possible to pass a resolution without being overly resolute.”

Meanwhile: The terror alert has been raised in Europe.

Subject: European Security Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Smile – things WILL get better.

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